Competition.

The word used to literally make me throw up. I swam competitively in high school. Well, not that competitively. I could never stomach the pressure of having to win. I hated the way it made me feel and the way people seemed to think it normal and good and healthy that my self worth should hinge on wether or not I was "better" than the person next to me (I never was). But, I wanted to belong so, I suffered through the "competition" and not being "better than" made me feel worthless. Eventually, that worthlessness turned to frustration and anger and I began to see competitors as enemies.

That's where I still kind of was when I became a musician. Anyone who wasn't with me was against me and anyone who was doing what I wish I could do but couldn't deserved my complete contempt. It's why I hated Sheryl Crow. She covered Led Zeppelin's D'yer Mak'er and ruined it for me. That's what I WANTED TO DO!!!!!! :) Nevermind that she was famous and I was nobody. It sickened me.

There were other perceived "competitors" over the years but, I also started searching for truth, happiness and release from fears that had followed me all my life. Somewhere along the way I realized that music was a gift, songwriting was my refuge. My love for it was pure and the love that came through it was sacred. I didn't want ego to touch it. I began to avoid competition and anyone who sparked even the smallest competitive spirit within me. Anytime I was put into a competitive situation I tried to transform it, release the ego from it, let go of any need to feel "better than" or simply walk away. What songwriting means to me is too important to reduce it to sport...a crapshoot for your soul? No way.

Eventually, I began to seek out and surround myself with musicians who felt like I did, who did it for the pure joy or the absolute need to express something beautiful, wonderful, good and true, who channeled love. I found people I could learn from who would teach me how to do what I wanted to do better. Not better than anyone else. Better than I'd ever done it before. The best that I could according to my own sense of beauty and truth. No one else's.

Don't get me wrong. I love to feel accepted. I have great respect for audiences and love praise and acknowledgment. But, praise and acknowledgement are not sufficient reasons to do what I do in the way that I do it. They don't fuel the passion. And, I simply don't have it in me to try to win favor. Its exhausting. I don't see the point in trying to convince people I'm something that I'm not. I can't and won't manipulate an audience however big or small. What I am is what you get. I'm not any younger, smarter, better or more beautiful than the next person but, hopefully, I'm as authentic and real as I can be. I don't know how other people think but, when someone is real and authentic I find them to be more beautiful than beautiful, more sexy than sexy, more everything than anything. If I'm ever that then, cool.

Let me just make it clear to any other musician I've offended in my honest attempt to be not only a musician but, an artist trying to communicate as much truth and beauty as possible into this lovely but chaotic world:

You are never the barometer by which I judge
my own ability or worth.

You are you. I am me. If you were ever down I'd lift you up but I can't do anything for someone who needs to see me beneath them.

P.S. I love you Sheryl Crow

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I want to share something extremely personal. It's a quote from my mother.

A little background: My mother has a double masters in pastoral theology and social work. She has a heart for service to the community. She has friends from all walks of life and raised me, by example, to have an open mind and heart. Both my parents raised me to stand up for what I believe in. The circumstances of my life have given me a unique perspective (as unique as anyone else's) and have led me towards advocacy for many causes including but not limited to peace, AIDS awareness, child sex-trafficking awareness and support for victims, minority issues and the issues of the LGBT community. 

Here's the quote. It's not a complete quote but it's what I'll share with you:

"...it's difficult being part of a community where your beliefs differ - but isn't that what a community is all about? Just like family - we love them no matter what - but we don't always agree. Just be kind and continue to listen..."

I wanted to share it because I think it applies to not just being part of the community she and I were discussing but for participation in all communities. It applies to being part of a family, a neighborhood, a church, a city, a state, a country and the human race. 

There will always be difficulties because there will always be differences. This should not discourage you from taking part. Don't be afraid to be around people who think, act, or live differently than you do. It will challenge you beyond your own experience. And, doing so with an open mind and heart will increase the potential for two wonderful things to happen in your life: finding what is truest to your heart so that you may live by it and removing beliefs that are unhealthy and limit your potential as a human being.  

This is why I chose a church community. Heck, that's why I chose a marriage. Though, I don't think either relationship would last if I wasn't encouraged by both to think for myself and come to my own understanding. Relationships that don't encourage you to think for yourself shouldn't last. You can't live by someone else's belief system if it contradicts what is truest to your own. 

So, do I always agree with everything? No. But, I'm very grateful to be in a marriage and in a church that leaves room for my diferences and doesn't turn me away because of them. I'm also grateful for what I have learned and what has changed in my own life for having allowed someone to challenge me. We are not islands unto ourselves. Our country and our world need room for differences. Like it or not, as humans we are a community. The potential is everywhere for us to live as one. 

Be kind.

Continue to listen.

Love them no matter what.  - LM

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Here's a rough demo of a song I wrote a while back. I think it kinda of says what I mean.

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He was a martyr. One of many that we don't celebrate on this day. That's all I know about St. Valentine. But, not all I know about love.

It doesn't really bother me that this has become some sort of crazy superficial holiday that celebrates the idea that we should hold one person as special enough to be worthy of our love. It doesn't bother me but, that's not what I believe. I believe love should be shared universaly in as many expressions as possible. We should live for love. We should be love....in all our actions, words, thoughts, etc.

Am I love? Yes. Am I perfect in my expression? No. But it's my intention. An intention I have to remind myself of when that annoying person comes my way, my children do something that bothers me or that politician or pundit says something I don't agree with. 

So, if this is going to be a day that celebrates love, let it be a day of intention to love as perfectly as I can. Let me be love in situations that call for love. And, all situations call for love. Let me be patient with people in traffic. Let me be kind in my thoughts to that person who has been driving me crazy. Let me look beyond what annoys me, what disturbs me...let me leave some space for whatever love brings my way. 

I was going to post a new video but the song wasn't appropriate for this day. I'll do that on Monday now that my computer is fixed. <3

 -LM

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. - Rumi

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

We cannot give what we do not have: We cannot bring peace to the world if we ourselves are not peaceful. We cannot bring love to the world if we ourselves are not loving. Our true gift to ourselves and others lies not in what we have but in who we are. - Marianne Williamson

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I made a public resolution on a Thursday night @GoGirlsMusic Twitter chat during the holidays. The intention is to write a song each and every week this year and set aside time each day for writing. 

I know full well that by publicly making the resolution I run the risk of disappointing someone. I might disappoint myself. I might disappoint others. I might disappoint both myself and others because, let's face it, not all of them are going to be "hits". But, here I go resolving myself to follow in the footsteps of songwriters I love and not let life distract me from the only "job" I've ever been passionate about.  

It's the second week of the year and I have just completed song number two. Yay! Ok, so, song number two was really finishing a song I started last year and had forgotten about. Still, it counts! I mean, I'll continue tweeking it and the other as time goes on. But, yeah, done! Now, all I have to do is decide how I'm going to share my progress...

I'm open to ideas. I was thinking of blogging a video of my favorite of the month and then having an online review of all the monthly songs via Stageit.com or Google+ Hangout. Hmmmm...

I'll decide by the end of the month for sure.

Happy new year!!! 

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Walk don't run

You're always trying

It must be tiring

Slow down some

and let the world go by 

while you and I 

Walk don't run, don't run, don't run

Funny that you go where you don't want to go 

Funny you believe what you don't want to know

Funny what you do when no one's watching you

Walk don't run

You're always trying

It must be tiring

Slow down some

and let the world go by 

while you and I 

Walk don't run, don't run, don't run

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Ok, so, $260 and counting to go to Living Water International this season thanks to those of you who tipped and bought CDs from the website to give to friends! THANK YOU!

(The 2 for 1 price will continue until Jan 1st at http://www.lauramariemusic.com and money will still go to the cause even after Christmas.)

Yay!!! Now on to the brownies:

I've been busy baking brownies. Not just any brownies, BLACK BEAN BROWNIES!!! And they are sooooo awesome.

No, they don't taste like beans. They are gluten free and delicious and, without all the flour, they are a bit better for you than "normal" ones. (half the fat, twice the protein and 2g of fiber...yeah!) I flat out dare you to try them. I tried three different recipes and combined a couple until I got just the right cakey-ness according to my taste testers.

So, if Pete and the boys like them, they have to be good.

Do it:

Black Bean Brownies (Gluten free)

Ingredients
1 (15 1/2 ounce) cans black beans ( rinsed and drained)
3 eggs
3 tablespoons oil
1/4 - 1/2 cup cocoa powder
1 pinch salt
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder

Semi sweet chocolate chips
--------------------------------------

Directions

1. First, puree black beens in food processor until smooth (you may need to add a few tablespoons of water)

2. Add other ingredients EXCEPT chocolate chips in processor together until blended.

3. Stir in some chocolate chips

4. Pour into a greased 8x8 cake pan.

5. Bake at 350 F for approximately 30 -35 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean in the center

6. Let cool completely before cutting.

Noms!!!

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I usually only share things this new with my mailing list but, 'tis the season!

Happy Holidays!

It's the time of year again when I start thinking back on what I have and haven't done and what I want to do when the new year rolls in. It's been a great year. I have a lot to be grateful for and look forward to. There's so much I want to do in music and in the world. And, giving is on my mind.

I want to share a song with you that I just wrote about the two words that save me from being lost in my own "stuff": Be Love. That's what I want to be. It's a challenge. Sometimes it's a difficult thing to be. :

I hope you have a wonderful, hopeful and inspirational holiday season!!!

This year, I've decided to give to Living Water International again so, if you want to help the cause, keep this in mind. You'll be helping me spread the music and the proceeds will help bring clean water to families in need. 

GO TO STORE

Please help me spread the word.

Much love,  Laura Marie

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Go to Churchill High School parking lot on Blanco rd now

Pick up a box

Take it to the grocery store and fill it with items listed on the side

Return the box to the Churchill parking lot before noonish

That is all

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See the full gallery on Posterous

Seriously though, zoos often get criticized for all sorts of reasons and should be held to strict standards, but, I like to support their conservation efforts. The Henry Doorly, for example, has helped save many species of plants and animals from extinction and has lead education efforts to help indigenous people conserve their lands and curb deforestation in places like Madagascar.

Anyway, enjoy!

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I've been reluctant to say anything publicly about the Penn State situation. I don't live my life as a victim because of abuse I experienced as a child. And, my deepest, heartfelt prayer is that those who are victims are eventually able to make peace with what they've experienced so as not to live the rest of their lives as victims either. But, I don't believe anyone who has experienced such a violation does not feel outraged at the knowledge that an adult could witness such a crime and not do everything in their power to stop it immediately. So, yes, I am outraged. Most victims are not violated where witnesses are likely to see them and many, such as myself, are so ashamed and confused that they don't come forward for several years after the fact, if at all. Their pain is private and their abandonment becomes, sadly, somewhat self imposed. But, that's not the case here. Someone saw this and others in positions of responsibility had knowledge of it and did little to nothing to stop it.

Thanks to Jon Stewart for expressing the outrage so well. Indeed, the pissed off child in me wants to rage "SORRY it's not CONVENIENT for you to blame it on some group of people you don't care about anyway!!!!" Part of me wants to laugh in the face of those who mock churches, priests and clergy members and say "SEE, it's not just THEM it's YOU TOO!!! and not taking a good, long look at yourself and what YOU would do makes this sickening situation possible. So, thank you VERY much. What did YOU DO to stop this?"

But, what good does that do? Not just in THIS situation but in EVERY situation, blaming some "other" group does nothing but allow us to take no personal responsibility and, to stop this, we have to take responsibility. We, as individual adults, have to know what we would do. And, more than that, we have to do it. 

From a very young age I came to know that an adult who would molest a child is sick. There is something terribly wrong with that person. So, when Sandusky appears on television today in an interview, I will not watch what is reported to be his denial that anything wrong happened while admitting he showered with young boys. Courts can decide his fate. It makes no difference to me except that I'm thankful such publicity will make it unlikely he could ever harm a child again. His interview is of little interest to me. They are rantings of a lunatic who should have been stopped, who should have been under some sort of care and therapy for his illness. With this understanding of him as a sick person, I can quiet my mind. I just can't when it comes to Joe Paterno.  I don't understand. And, I don't understand those who are not outraged at his lack of leadership in a situation that is far more important than football. I want to understand. I really do. Because then I'll know how to deal with it.

Joe Paterno has a huge opportunity here. If he would ony share his thought process, expose the gaps in his logic and in his own understanding, show people how such a thing can happen and ways to not let it ever happen again. He doesn't have to be a bad example for the rest of his life. Take it from someone who doesn't have to be a victim for the rest of hers. 

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Hello. New-ish poem/song. I'd sing it for you but my voice is a bit raw from a slight illness. It will have to wait until next week or something. Words: 

I meant to find 

You know how morning comes and leaves behind

the fear that darkness crowds around you?

But, still you take your place in space and time

ignoring how the light has come through.

You don’t see the things I do,

the answers you remind me of

You believe what’s wrong with you,

but, I believe what’s meant for us

I see the light illuminate the world

with widened eyes and mind wide open.

There’s nothing left to recreate. We’re good.

We’re all that we have ever chosen.

You don’t see the things I do,

the answers you remind me of

You believe what’s wrong with you,

but, I believe what’s meant for us

You.  I meant to find. I meant to find you.

You.  I meant to find. I meant to find you.

 ?

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